Without leaving his door
He knows everything under heaven.
Without looking out of his window
He knows all the ways of heaven.
For the further one travels
The less one knows.
Therefore the Sage arrives without going,
Sees all without looking,
Does nothing, yet achieves everything.
The birds flap and sing
The flowers blossom in Spring
Your eyes give rise to my Sun
For you are my only one
I see dancing next to me
But instead you chose to leave.
And when death does take us soon
I’d still kiss and you hold you on the Moon
I pull my drapes closed in the evening.
At night I ponder at what is out there in this wilderness.
I dreamt of a pack of wolves right outside, they lunged at me when I dared to peak.
My friend told me not to fear them, but to run with them.
I look at my tarot card I pulled for the day: a reverse knight of cups.
It told me that I am sulky, moody and jealous.
The readings are always right.
But acknowledging the fact doesn’t change much.
I sit with my grief, the year has been difficult.
‘It will get better,’ they say.
Well when? Because I’ve been waiting and giving, giving, giving and still nothing.
I pray, meditate, workout, ask—no beg, for change.
My heart churn’s when I look at you, so happy, successful and doubt you ever think of me.
But now I am glad you are succeeding, proud that you’ve gained more success than you ever would have in Texas.
You didn’t even remember me in high school,
Now I doubt I even cross your mind now.
All the precious moments that meant so much to me, what did they ever mean to you?
My friend Scott has this place up North,
Real nice property.
Three cabins in the woods with a creek moving endlessly with time.
We’d venture up as soon as able, to escape society, be with nature, visit with people at the local bar that thought like us, shoot guns, arrows and drink beer.
We’d often wonder why no one else dared to make the journey out.
All those lonely people in the cities working themselves to the bone, petrified and unable to feel.
We’d talk about women, the dog days, politics, the government, when the end will come and how we managed our psychotic selves.
I’d look up at the stars barefoot at night wondering when the aliens would take me or when God would come and destroy the world for our atrocities.
The others cannot see, they don’t read, write, think, just cope with their miserable lives and tell themselves, “it’s going to be alright.”
Or, “the less I know the better.”
I’ve been out of work for over a half year, can’t pay taxes, bills, loans, rent.
They’ve criminalized being poor,
But I was always criminal.
External rejections
Of internal reflections
Private insurrections.
Employee aggravations
Let downs of my nation.
Indigenous iration.
Emotional reactants
Miscommunications
With no live captions
And yet despite our differences
Dissonant instances,
Misconstrued inferences.
I still love you the same.
Even between happiness & pain,
Spasms from the left & right of my brain.
It’s just sometimes I feel full of doubt
Or an animal that should never be let out.
Living this moment too many times to count.
More apparition than man,
A hermit bogged down in sand
Or a fish washed up onto land.
Bear with me, still getting used to this shell
What is Heaven, once hell
A tall tree or bright star that fell.
Betwixt the self loathing
Longing to be lonely—
She’s the only one to show me
That this chest still beats,
And even beasts can weep
Over shadows on the walls of sleep.
